Lady Juanita

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Lady Juanita spells it out.

Dr Obi Patrick,

Somewhere in the backblocks of Lagos, Nigeria.

Surely my fax on September 18th must have alerted you to the fact that I know this whole thing is a con, a sham, a trick and a fabrication.

Yours is the ninth "Private and Confidential" letter I have received from various employees of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation. That company needs a good financial controller. The Nigerian phone number I gave you for young Mavis belonged to 'Engineer John Akpeki'; another of my 'business contacts'. Terribly miffed that he didn't remember poor Mavis. At the peak he was dead keen on consumating the business deal with her in all possible ways; all possible openings. It would have been a sticky end for poor Mavis I suspect.

Never mind, it has been fun. Did you have fun?


There is no Lady Juanita. Never was.

Nor is there or was there ever a Lord Vader. Except in the movies. Go and see Star Wars; he's the bad guy in black plastic.

Nor is there an Oakbridge Estate but you are welcome to use the name.

A courgette is a vegetable; tastiest when picked at about the size of an erect penis.

The man you spoke to last night was me. I have now figured out how to give a fax signal to a phone call so the night was not lost. Sorry about the confusion, I hadn't expected you to ring after so long. You caught me by surprise, you devil!

NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY OF MY MONEY. Read that line again.

Is there really a Dr Patrick Obi? I suspect not.

Do many people fall for this NNPC story? It sounds so dumb and yet it has been circulating for years now. And it always comes from Nigeria for some reason.

And you never did send me a recipe. Big disappointment, that.

Good bye, good luck and if you ever do get to make your fortune send me a postcard.

I remain, happily quite distantly,

Neither Juanita nor Mavis.