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Where John Smith refuses to be a matchmaker, denies being interested in Emus, admits to frequenting brothels and suggests Mr Davies Okafor may wish to go back to Wales.


I am not getting through to you am I?

For the third and last time my bank is the National Australia Bank. Often called the NAB.

The N stands for National.

If you try to send the money to the 'Australia Bank' it will go God only knows where. OK?

Have you got that now? NATIONAL Australia Bank. Good.

Now, by asking if your women were 'clean' I was referring to the multitude of disgusting diseases that I am told are to be found in the damper regions of such women. That is why, despite my fantasies, I have never tried one. I wouldn't want my 'old fellow' to get spots and drop off.

Emus hold no attraction for me; for similar reasons.

No, I cannot find a girl for you to marry. What do you think I am? A match making service? Take my word for it; women are a disposable commodity. If you want that sort of thing go to a local brothel. I do. That way they don't follow you home and nag you about putting out the garbage.

Cheaper in the long run. I recommend it.

Communist? God! NEVER! Just because I am a higher life form doesn't make me a Communist; it just means that I am superior to you. But don't be offended: I'm superior to most people.

No other country to go to? What about going back to your native Wales. I know a couple of Davies from that town Dylan Thomas made so famous, Llareggub, just near Swansea. Beautiful country. Once this project is over you can go almost anywhere! I plan to. Be adventurous, Sir!

But remember: National Australia Bank. OK?

As always, I remain,

Yours sincerely, John Smith, RAN (ret).

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