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Venus is not impressed.

Dear Martins,

The dills left the 's' of your name, so I have sent the Rollex back to have the engraving finished. They promise tomorrow.

I am worried about you, Martins. And us. You are being most puzzlingly contrary.

You must be aware that if we did not simplify things in our communications then we would be talking more than we are doing.

You infer, most wrongly, that because I said that I 'rang the embassy' that I must have talked to them myself. If I say I flew to London I am sure that you would not assume that I did it without a pilot, co-pilot, a clutch of busty stewardesses, a full compliment of ground crew, a number of meals in plastic trays, two movies and, not unremarkably, a plane.

When I say I have rung somewhere I do so because it is quicker than saying that 'I went in next door and got Miss Anne Thrope, the kindergarten teacher, to lock her little treasures in the playpen while she made a phone call to the embassy on my behalf'... I would never get to the end of the email if I did that.

You have not yet told me exactly what you thought of my picture.

To assist you I found the following address:

Optometrist and Dispensing Opticians Board of Nigeria
Head Office
62, Bode Thomas street,
Surulere Lagos.
(234 01) 7742483, 2881649, 5455025

Do you have sex with other men? What does your Mum think?

Please tell me.


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