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He penned the following reply:


Dear Mr Justice,

These are indeed exciting times.

I have had the honour of being selected as the new Abbot of the monastery! Can you believe that?? Quite a feather in my hood, I am sure you will agree.

I am setting about moulding the monastery and its practices to a new format where it is better equipped to meet the challenges and needs of the modern world. This will keep me quite busy, I can assure you!

The friars seem quite amenable to my plan of putting in a beer hall to attract those in need of our ministrations but I am finding resistance from the nuns to my request for some topless waitresses. They cannot seem to see that this will have a great attraction to the incorrigible sinners and should draw flocks of them to our services.

I will continue to work on them.

With all the brouhaha going on here I must confess to have lost some of the threads of the procedures associated with your transaction. Could you please refresh my memory as to what you will require from me. I would greatly appreciate that.

Yours in Christ,

Augustus Tuck
Abbot of St.Rumpet's Monastery and Orphanage.
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In God I will praise his word, In God I have put my trust;
I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.

- Psalm 56:4

He had just hit 'send' and turned the computer off when there was a knock at his door. He opened it to find the imposing figure of the Mother Superior from the Convent.

“About your request for topless barmaids” she said, “I want to volunteer!”


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