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The Mother Superior looked around the room and shook her head. “The first thing I will do is get in the painters” she said.

The Bishop had asked her to contact some Nigerian guy. She poured herself a brandy and set about her first official duty:


Dear Sir,

I have been given your name by that flaccid wimp, Bishop Pawnchek with the request that I introduce myself to you.

I am the Mother Superior of the Convent of the Divine Contractions, a sub-order of the Sisters of the Merciful Dildo.

I have been promoted to honorary Abbot of the Monastery of St.Rumpet's for an indefinite term.

As I understand it you are the contractor in charge of building the memorial for the two previous Abbots. Obviously in my capacity as Mother Abbot I will need to review the plans of this memorial. At the very least I will want to change the colour scheme. What colour is it, by the way.

Please advise me as to what stage things are at. It may be advisable for me to review the plans. Please send these back to me immediately.

I am told by the Bishop that you are Nigerian. This is indeed most fortuitous as I was only wondering yesterday what a Nigerian was like. So, what are you like? Don't be shy about it, I want to know length and diameter, your preferred position, and your average minimum endurance.

By the way, do you sing?

I look forward to meeting you and your team when construction of the memorial commences.

Yours sincerely,

Brunhilda Gnutsgeschmashen,
Mother Abbot, St.Rumpet's Monastery & Orphanage.
Mother Superior, Convent of the Divine Contractions.

“Not bad”, she thought. “Now, this furniture will have to go... ”


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