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Where Holmes shows an interest in symmetry:


Mr Jeoffery Daniel Mubi,
Director International Remittance Office,
ADB.

My Dear Mr Mubi,

It would be fair to say that I am puzzled by your letter. You infer that I had not provided the value of the contract claim. This is most assuredly not so. Not only did I provided it, I provided it in capitals to facilitate easy assimilation into the Nigerian Banking system. That fact, and I have no reason to doubt your word, the fact that you did not receive it at all is a source of amazement to me. What am I to deduce from that?

Obviously I would suggest that the money be paid to the account details that I have provided. To be on the safe side, could you please provide me with the details that you have on your records so that I may verify their accuracy or usefulness. This issue has been progressing for some time and it may just be a case of old account details. Thank you.

You request that I "URGENTLY PAY THE COST OF FLUCTUATION DEFICIT ACCURED ON YOUR FUND WHICH HAS BEEN CALCULATED AT AMOUNT VALUED 9,200.40$".

How extraordinary!

Please explain a few things:

1. Banks world-wide deduct fees from the account balance before settlement. Why should this transaction be different?

2. What is a fluctuation deficit?

3. Are we talking Australian Dollars?

I see I have a second email from you. I shall answer it in a minute but in the meantime can I ask you a couple of personal questions?

One is a delicate question but related to my studies of human anatomy and driven by a singular lack of information for people from the West African regions. Please do not take offence but take it in the enquiring spirit in which it is asked.

How tall are you?
How much do you weigh?
Which of your testicles hangs lower, the left or the right?

I hope to use the information in a new monograph I am writing for the Lancet. My most recent monograph entitled "Tonal variations in the navel debris of Caucasian males" is due to be published shortly.

Yours astutely,

Holmes.


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