The Perfect Porridge Company

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Brigadier Lump explains that there have been a few changes:


My Good Sir,

Regrettably we have had to reorganise our travel timetable. We will now arrive in Amsterdam on Wednesday June 26th at 6:35am.

The flight number is still KL4102. The travel agents were very good about it.

I believe we will still arrive in time to meet your deadline on Wednesday.

God and KLM willing.

You would not believe the problems we have be forced to endure in trying to arrange this venture at such short notice.

Just organising the plane to take Mr Fitzmichael's massage table was a logistical nightmare. I tried to suggest that he rent one in Amsterdam and the poor lad nearly wept. Nearly wept! Can you believe it?

And then there was the case of young Sham's dietary requirements. We were flatly refused permission to bring live chickens on the plane. Flatly refused. I damned nearly cancelled the trip on the spot. As a compromise, the Count has offered to smuggle some live rats through customs in his trousers. He assures me that they will tide her over until Schiphol.

It would be greatly appreciated if the people meeting us at Schiphol could bring a live chicken with them.

Our party has been reduced to four as my ADC has an ABSOLUTELY IRREVOCABLE appointment to take his poodle to a therapist early next week and we would not be able to return in time to meet this commitment.

And unfortunately my wife, the most lovely and accommodating Ophelia Lump, has had a little run in with the constabulary while doing a market survey outside the casino. She was charged with being a receiver of swollen goods, or so I was told. A most unfortunate misunderstanding which I am sure our family legal firm, Snatch, Grabbe & Wrun, Pettifoggers to the Aristocracy, will sort out prior to our return. Solicitors, soliciting; what's the difference? They're all in there together

Dashed frustrating though.

Young Sham will accompany me on those occasions when I require a woman at my side. Once dressed up in her national attire and suitable oiled she is a most stunning and distracting companion. Is it cold in Amsterdam at present?

The Count is not very happy. He feels that the revised departure date is not fortuitous and that we will probably get served fish on the plane. I advised him that there are not many options and that those there are cost 250 Euros per day. If he doesn't like the fish he should put in an extra rat.

I am a little concerned that I have not heard from you since my last fax; mind you my fax has been very temperamental of late and may well have eaten your faxes.

Do you have anything to add about the currency? Must it be those most wretched Euro things or do you accept something more substantial like a Guatemalan peso? I would still suggest United States Dollars. But it is your decision. Please advise ASAP.

If you have embraced the electronic age, it may be prudent to send the information to my company email address perfectporridge@optusnet.com.au to ensure I get it before departure on Tuesday.

I remain,

Yours sincerely,

Brigadier. A. Lump,
3rd Light Cavalry. (Ret.)
(AD 2000)


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