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A Pastor Newbery writes to the Reverend West:

Perfidious Dog!

We have caught your Mr Nick Lucifer.

Or should I say that your Mr Lucifer has been nicked?

I, you scurvy scum from the festering vat of hell, am Pastor Cosmo Newbery from the Church of the Holey Bedsocks. Infuriated by the arrival of Hot Cross Buns in the supermarkets, I and my team, the Angels of the Right Charlie, took on and captured your Mr Lucifer and, after a spectacular and bloody battle with the Four Horsemen of the Acropolis, have him securely trussed and stowed in a pop-up trailer at the "God Knows Where" Caravan Park, Pet Cemetery and drive-in Char-Grill.

And you will obviously want your glorious leader released to continue his corrupting influence upon the upwardly lustful, outwardly gluttonous and the flat out slothful. Well, you have a problem then, don't you! I have considered my position carefully and present you with the following demands:

1. World peace and harmony
2. The removal of all poverty
3. Remedies for all diseases
4. Hot Cross Buns out of the shops until Easter
5. A discreet booking in a motel in a quiet part Logos - the room must have air conditioning, a mini-bar full of beer, a satisfactory supply of salt and vinegar chips, cable TV and a big-breasted and accomodating lady called either Prudence or Constance.

If you do not respond favourably I will either drive a char-grilled steak through your boss's obviously char-black heart or, worse still, release him to the custody of the Liberal Party of Australia where he will be responsible for continuing their enlightened immigration and reconciliation policies, albeit in a more compassionate manner than at present.

I am sure that your wouldn't want that to happen.

I remain my god's humble servant,

Pastor Newbery.

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