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Meanwhile, an email arrived from the courier crowd wanting me to call them, in Nigeria, on a mobile number. Sod that for a lark! The email had a large blank secion at the start meanng that the text was unnoticed, off-screen.

A reply is sent to the Rev, CC'ed to the courier crowd.


My Dear Reverend West,

Thank God the festive season is over!! I have had the devil of a time with it this year. I must apologise for my periodic absences; you will be feeling that I am not taking your most generous offer seriously. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is just my busiest time and my pitchfork has been running hot, the brimstone futures have gone through the roof, the ferryman is on strike and the lawyers in room 101 just can't seem to get the hang of shouting properly as they burn in the eternal fires. Sometime I envy God, heavenly choruses must be much easier to conduct. But I do enjoy the shouting, even if it is hopelessly melodic.

But I do take your offer seriously but had been waiting for information from the courier company. After a long delay I finally got an email from them. At first I thought that it was blank and ignored it. After stewing on this (was it an insult?) I returned to the email after a day or two, intent on telling them exactly what I thought of them. I had every intention of sending forth a missive that would leave their bums a singed and smoking wreck. You can imagine my surprise when I scrolled down the apparently blank letter to find, far off screen, a request for me to phone them. Quite extraordinary, you will agree! Why would he do that?

I was then faced with a small dilemma; you see, the family gargoyle 'Ruddock', has chewed through the phone line and it is damned near impossible to get a technician during the holidays. Three cheers for cable internet, that's all I can say.

No, I do not have a mobile phone, I'm not important enough for one of them and beside, I can buy bread at the supermarket without needing to phone for help, so what good are they? The phone company said that the phone will be out for five working days but seemed a trifle miffed when I asked if they were consecutive days. My next question as to how many working days they scheduled a week met a similarly cold response. Funny that.

The address required in the Western Union form is the full street address; the details sent by the courier firm lacked these details. What is so difficult about that? Moreover the silly bastards have sent me two contact names. Three, if you count the man in Nigeria. So who do I send the money to and at what address? They are being most unhelpful. I would counsel you to consider looking for a more competent crew.

I will forward this email to the courier people as well. Perhaps it will help get them off their hairy arses and get things moving properly. I must confess I am starting to feel that this is not a terribly well run operation.

Yours apprehensively,

Nick Lucifer.

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The Brimstone Chapel,
964/502 Victoria Street,
NORTH MELBOURNE, 3051,
Victoria Australia.

Phone: (+613) 9838 4333
Fax : (+613) 9328 5338


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