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You need some heat in your sex life, Mr West.

(Kiddies, do not try this at home.)

My Good Reverend West,

I appreciate the spirit of your letter and must report that I am absolutely delighted with the appellation 'Beloved'. It behoves well for the future.

You report that you shall be travelling down to Nigeria; may I enquire from whence you are travelling that would place Nigeria in the downward position?

I must confess that I have never dreamt of giving you a sleepless night and the concept of your lying in bed, in night cap and night shirt, unable to sleep due to some action of mine was initially an image that had hitherto eluded me. I am now warming to it.

Please, good Reverend, do not feel ashamed in sharing your burden with me. A burden shared is a burden for two people, though often unequally so. Should sharing lift the weight from your heart, or any other part of your anatomy, then I am delighted to help.

Having said that I am not sure how best to help you. Should you have been more local I would have sent you to a local lady, a Miss Felicity Primm.

Do not let her erstwhile pure name fool you, this lady is not prim. She has the power to purge your plumbing of the most severe of blockages, to make you burst forth like a steam train from a tunnel. You see, Reverend West, often the problem is one of rust. 'Use it or lose it' is so very apt.

Now obviously I cannot get Miss Primm to you, so you must find a local alternative. I suppose you wife will do but it is not ideal. You are going to need to increase the heat of the encounter in order to approximate an encounter with Miss Primm.

First you must explain to your wife that that she must be understanding and compliant with your pursuit of what you both want. It will take time.

The best position for this type of encounter is what is often called 'doggie style'. This is not derogatory but facilitates stimulation by changing your aspects and permitting you to keep your hands occupied, fondling your wife.

After suitable foreplay and once you are sure that she and you are both aroused and of one mind, have your wife kneel on the bed. You should now kneel behind her.

Now, just prior to entering your good woman from the kneeling position you must smear liniment cream on your member and your testicles; any cream containing methyl salicylate will do but you must do it quickly and the push your warmly lubricated ardour home for the full effect.

Other things that you must do on the day prior (and really all through your life) is wear loose underwear and drink plenty of water, warm not cold.

Do not bother praying to God for assistance with problems in your nether regions; that is the realm of the Devil.

I will, of course, tell no-one of your problems.

I hope that I have been of some assistance.

Yours happily,

Nick Lucifer.

The Brimstone Chapel,
964/502 Victoria Street,
Victoria Australia.

Phone: (+613) 9838 4333
Fax : (+613) 9328 5338

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