J. Cosmo Newbery

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OK, let's see what happens if we question the lawyer a bit...


Dear Dr Bello,

I am in receipt of your faxes, dated 30/05/2002.

Unfortunately Monday is a public holiday in Melbourne, National Appreciative Breast Fondling Day, (all proceeds to the Community Chest) and my opportunity to get to Western Union is roughly two thirds of five ninths of three elevenths of sweet FA. (Roughly translated: nil).

It will not be before Tuesday, Melbourne time. (It will not be after, either)

I am a little bemused by your list of work performed to date. I already new all of the things that you outlined and I will not pay you to tell me what I already know. Your charter is purely to collect the money on my behalf. Please do not engage in unrequested forays into the already covered territory. It is not becoming of your status as a senior attorney. (You ARE a senior attorney, aren't you Paul?)

I am a little taken aback by the size of your fee; it would be considerably cheaper for me to come over and complete the transaction myself. As the amount of work actually done over there is really rather small, is there any chance that you could review this fee? Especially in light of the inappropriate directions your enquiries have taken to date.

While I appreciate your willingness to 'accept my request for legal retainership', I note that you no longer require my C.V. to meet this arrangement. Is that because you see me a lucrative milking cow? (Can I get him angry?)

Please, Dr Bello, I expect strict professional protocol to be followed if we are to have a mutually beneficial relationship.

Yours sincerely,

J. Cosmo Newbery.


Meanwhile, let's work on Charles: I am on your side Charles, really I am. I want to help. I want it all to succeed but that lawyer...

Dear Charles,

Good to hear you are on the mend. I really doubt that I am responsible for your 'shocker' (was it a heart attack?). I am such a calm and placid person, I would never do anything to induce stress in anyone, especially you. I'm not that sort of person, Charles.

I have replied to the lawyer with a blind copy to you (he wont know you are getting a copy). He is very expensive, Charles.

And I fear he is not very competent. In fact I suspect he even lacks the organizational and professional skills needed to reach the level of 'inept'.

The initial time frame for this transaction seems to have passed without the prophesied end of the world. What is the current deadline?

Should I ditch the lawyer and come over to complete the transaction myself?

Yours in frustration,

J. Cosmo Newbery.


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