J Cosmo Newbery

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Where Charles (aka Philips Akande) informs me that my company "Paws for Reflection" is now a contractor to the NNPC but refers to the high cost of greasy palms in downtown Lagos.


My dear Newbery,

The faxes were very clear and I will put in a formal application tomorrow for the funds to be released. Also one of my partners had proceeded to Abuja,the federal capital territory to have your company (PAWS FOR REFLECTION)registered in the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation as a category "A" contractor and incorporate it in the Nigerian Corporate Affairs Commission. The certificates will be backdated to suit the time the contracted was awarded and executed.All these are formalities to legalize the transaction and to make our application tenable so that it can pass through the necessary Government paying agencies without eyebrow being raised. All these will cost me twenty-five thousand US dollars {US$25,000}because palms are going to be greased but we have saved enough to do this. After this I will be left with just one thousand two hundred dollars{US$1,200} only which will be enough for me to buy my air ticket to Australia once you confirm to me that the funds has been remitted to your account.

Know that this is the beginning of a new era in our lives and this new found friendship/partnership will outlive us and extend to our generation yet unborn. Also,this transaction is meant to cross us from the rubicon of poverty (You said what?) into a life of affluence. Please I am counting on you. Do not dissapoint me. This is my life as it were and I want to be able to trust you even with my eye closed. (Just one eye?)

Please email me to acknowledge this message and for us to get further intimated.God bless you and your family.

Best regards, Charles Nujoma.


Only too willing to help I inform Charles that I can get him a discount airfare at this end.

Dear Dr Nujoma,

You cannot imagine how happy I am that things are progressing so smoothly! And how right you are when you say it is the beginning of a new era in our lives! I am sure that we will both look back at this time with many memories and deep emotions. I know I will. (And mixed emotions, too: merriment and glee)

Today has been extra special for me as our prize bitch, Divine Flatulence Princess Slobberchops, won the "Best in the Show" trophy at the fourth annual Hot Diggitty Dog Gymkhana and Piss-up.

Life is looking good. Really good.

You are most generous in paying for all the greasy palms that seem to be waving around in Nigeria. Is it a dishonest place? You, of course, are impeccably honest but $25,000 dollars (and US dollars to boot) seems to suggest that a few people in your Government are feathering their nests. Do you agree?

Anyway I seem to recall that there is provision in the split up of the transaction money to allow for reimbursement of expenses. You MUST keep a record of the money you spend to ensure that you are properly reimbursed after all is finished and the dust has settled. Okay?

I think I hear what you are saying about the airfare. I am sure I can help you there. I have a friend who runs a travel agency, MLE Travel, and I am sure I could get the tickets for you from this end much cheaper than you could get them in Nigeria. You will need to fill in some forms and send me a photo. You will almost certainly also need a visa to come here so you must make haste and approach the Australian Embassy in Nigeria forthwith.

Let me know you go.

Yours sincerely,

J. Cosmo Newbery.

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