Madame Yotta

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Let's see where Ossy's pain threshold is...


My Dear Mr Olaniyi,

I have received your account details and will endeavour to get to the bank tomorrow to send the money.

And I must say that I am most pleased that you have managed to find yourself a bank to use. Considering I was starting to feel that you couldn't find your own bum if the lights were out, I must chalk this up as progress.

I have been waiting for ages for this to happen. What is my partner in Nigeria going to be thinking? He has been surprisingly tolerant of the delays but I am getting tarred with the grubby brush of your incompetence.

And I don't like it.

I know this is a naive question from a silly little female clairvoyant but it strikes me as most odd that a bank like the all-singing, all-dancing All States Trust Bank has to use some piddling little HSBC branch in London. Don't get me wrong, HSBC is a good bank, but for heaven's sake man, why do you not have your own branch there? It is supposed to be the financial capital of the known civilised world, isn't it?

Puzzled and confused, I tried looking deep into my tea leaves, and I got an answer.

Then I took a tumbler for a wobble around a ouija board, and I got the same answer.

Finally I disembowelled a chicken (then re-embowelled it with breadcrumbs, sage and onion) and still I got the same answer.

You ARE disorganised.

It would seem that you are a Taurus. You obviously lack the co-ordination needed to get a ticket as a third rate shambles. I very much doubt that you could run a chook raffle at a kindergarten fete.

But strangely I do believe in you Ossy. I truly believe that there is the makings of a fine casserole in you. You just need a bit of self-belief; dust off your suit, straighten up your tie, comb your hair and put some shoes on. Remember, act professional.

That's my advice. No charge. When was the last time you got something for nothing? Apart from syphilis, I mean.

Yours most unexpectedly impressed.

Yotta Celeste.

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