Come here and sit down Kenneth, there are a few things I need to tell you...

Your Excellency,

We are having a bit of a communications problem. You must listen carefully, okay? This is the truth. It is not pleasant for you, but it is the truth.

I am not Felicity Primm.

I am rotten and sneaky. I pretended to be Felicity Primm. Can you believe that?

Felicity Primm is an imaginary character. The pictures I sent you are from the internet. There are a thousand and one pictures of semi-clad women on the internet, some more explicit than others.

I have no hope of tracking down the lady in the pictures, though I believe her name is Bree.

I do not even know how old the pictures are. She may be married with three kids, overweight and going grey. I certainly am.

I am sure that you are disappointed with this news but there is nothing I can do about it. Delete all the photos of her and get on with your life.

J Cosmo Newbery.