J Cosmo Newbery

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Princess Tikka makes a brief appearance to explain Cosmo's absence:


My Goodly Mrs Esther,

I am thinking that you will wondering who I am that is writing this letter to yourself.

I am thinking that this is most understandably so.

You are not knowing me. Indeed I am hardly knowing Mr Newbery with whom you are exchanging sundry letters and yet I am writing to you for himself.

You will be seeing that the reason for this letter is that I am being an agent for Mr Cosmo Newbery as he is being in hospital and cannot be writing to your with his own hand. He as been asking me to be contacting you to be allaying your worries and to be smoothing your furrowed brow.

I must be explaining in more detail.

I was conversing with Mr Newbery yesterday when the unfortunate incident occurred in the office of Western Unity and the poor woman was pigged to deathliness. It was being most traumatic, especially for the pig who immediately piggletated upon the floor beside the deaded woman.

I was being most distressed by the whole affair and was being attended to in the hospital bed overnight. Having been talking to me at the time of the pigly attack Mr Newbery, a mostly kind and gentle man, came to see me this morning in hospital. He was being there quite early as he said he was en route to the Western Unity office to send some allowances to your most goodly self on behalf of your youngsters. He was talking to me most glowingly of them. He was mostly pleased to be an avuncular finger to them.

As Mr Newbery was leaving the hospitality of the building there was being a major disaster in the main geranium plant of the buildings power supply and Mr Newbery was being heavily irrigated with such cosmic forces as is being found in a hundred masonic bombs. He is currently in a privately run bedrobe in the lead-lined wings of the hospital.

Once I was being told of what had befallen him I rushed with both my feets to be visiting him. This I was not able to fully do by virtue of a largely steel door. I was being able to converse with him with an intercom. The first thing he asked of my serene self was for me to contact you, to assure you that despite his hair being elsewhere and his testicular manhood being the the size of small but quite brightly glowing grapes he is thinking of you and your sprung offs.

He is begging your forgiveness and is lamenting that once again he has been a disappointment to you. I am feeling that you are being most unkindly in this judgement of him. I have been knowing him face to face for a much shortly time than yourselves but I am most admiring of his personal self.

He is a goodly man, Mrs Esther, please be judging him accordingly.

Yours most serenely,

Tikka Masala.


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