The Saga of Yvette

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The advertisement was for Samsung mobile phones and read: "The Riviera, the height of August, undressed to kill. And only Yvette knows she's wearing her phone." My brain stripped a thread.

Dear Sir,

I recently returned from a visit to one of the French provinces to be confronted by my father, in great agitation, waving a newspaper advertisement. Your newspaper advertisement.

"The Riviera, the height of August, undressed to kill.
And only Yvette knows she's wearing her phone."

Yvette! At last, I see the end of a long search!

There has, however, been a little lost in translation. The original quote, unacknowledged in your advertisement I might add, came from the opening lines of Andrˇ Gratzer's book "La vache qui rit." (The Merry Widow) and the verb used in that opening quote was not porter (to wear, as in to wear clothes) but ˇpiuser (to wear, as in to wear out or exhaust).

You see I know Yvette.

But not as well as my late uncle Wilbur; may he rest in peace and his smile muscles finally relax.

But to fully explain I need to go back to Yvette's mother, Collette. Collette, was the archetype femme fatale: young, lithe, willing and disturbingly able. While not particularly beautiful in the Vogue sense she possessed a native sensuality that could snap steel cables, melt titanium and vaporise a bank account. Very early on in the piece she realised that while the way to a man's heart may lay through his stomach, the way to his bank account usually lay under it, sometimes over it, but always very close to it. And, realising also that the Americans who had seriously interesting bank accounts holidayed in the warm south, she based herself in the Caribbean.

Once in a position of control of the body it was a very easy step to take control the mind. She worked out early on that men can't use both at once. Vacant possession.

Most victims, drained of all liquid assets, just quietly disappeared. Many just starved to death, eating nothing but the memories of their time with Collette. Doctors were at a loss to explain the smile on the corpse and undertakers unable to remove it.

Due to a miss heard conversation at a police briefing, the term 'Bermuda triangle' was applied to the area where whole plane-loads of business men disappeared in the sixties and seventies. In fact Collette was the Bermuda triangle the police spoke of. Eventually she had to move; there have been no further mass disappearances in the Caribbean and isolated ones around the world attracted only passing attention. Harold Holt, for example. Howard Hughes probably; there is an explanation for those tissue boxes. Elvis is another and an unpublished paper from the Warren Commission looks at the possibility that after Marilyn came Collette and after Collette came a serious balance of trade anomaly and finally JFK might have arranged his own death. He was smiling in the car.

Such was the mother's power. Beware of the daughter.

I am sure it is the Yvette I refer to that is in your advertisement. Look closely at her in your advertisement, look at her upper inner right thigh; this is a risky manoeuvre for the unprepared and you should first ensure that someone that you trust has indeed trussed you to avoid unnecessary physical damage. Remember Howard Hughes? Tissues will wipe up the dribble. Look at her thigh and you will see a small spider tattoo and the words 'Entrez vous ma chambre' ("Come in to my parlour")

Said the spider to the fly.

And Yvette's spider has seen many an incautious fly approach too near and meet its ultimate undoing.

Her methods are similar to her mother but, in a technological age she uses the technology. Notably the mobile phone. Extensively. And very effectively.

She picks her target carefully and a persistent, sultry voiced attack wears down the shells of defence that such people have: private secretaries, minders, guards, and such like until she is through to her man. She peels away these barriers until she gets her victim to say those fatal words "Here is my number. Give me a call".

It is an uneven fight. Once she has hold of their private extension they are lost.

The purpose of this letter is, of course, purely altruistic. I have great regard for Samsung and wish it every ongoing success. To ensure this I advise you to guard your management. I suspect your advertising agency is already in serious trouble. Look out for unexplained absences from work; especially from your accountant. Look out for unexplained abnormal expenses in the balance sheets. Look out for loopy smiles and occasional dribbling. Look out for all these danger signs.

But most importantly, look out for Yvette.

If you find her, get her to give me a call.

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