Did you actually read my letter?

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I was at sea, literally, testing the quality of the Navy's sewage. (It's a living). Amoung my various belongings was a box of Savings brand tissues. The packet bore the words: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money cheerfully refunded. Well, the letter I wrote was just a bit of nonsense but the reply, well...

Dear Sir,

This letter is being drafted in the tarted up remains of the missile assembly room on the HMAS Brisbane, somewhere just out from Harvey Bay. A strange place for a letter I grant you but I'll scrub it up later, when the floor stops moving about.

And I will spare you the details of why I find myself in such a precarious position; suffice to say that I brought some of your Savings Tissues along for the ride.

It is one of those 'things' that a young man's mind starts to curdle when confined to a small windowless room rocking back and forth some miles of the coast and not at all comforted by the thought that the nearest land is only 27 metres away, but straight down.

As I sat here I noticed the statement on your tissue box: 'Satisfaction guaranteed or your money cheerfully refunded'. And, well, one thing lead to another and I started to wonder if I really was satisfied. I eventually drew up a list of some considerable length that for the sake of your time and the longevity of the forestry reserves I will spare you, but suffice to say that it included:

I am not satisfied with my back. Whoever drew up the original specification did a bloody lousy job when they came to the back. Very shoddy workmanship.

When I think about it I am not all that happy with the rest of me either but that comes under the heading of poor maintenance and I had best be a little quiet about that one.

I'm not satisfied with the way the kids treat me; a little respect would be nice.

When I left on this two week stomach rearrangement (If there's any good in a man, the sea will bring it out.) the garden was looking a little tatty, the house needed a repaint, the driveway needed a complete rebuild and if someone could tell me how the bloody possum was getting into the roof I would be very, very grateful.

Your tissue's are fine but me? Satisfied? You've got to be joking!

But are these things covered by your guarantee?

Yours curiously, J. Cosmo Newbery.

They (Coles Supermarkets) replied saying 'Thank you for notifying us of the problem experienced with Savings Tissues. We are most concerned to hear of the difficulty with the product and apologise for any inconvenience you were caused.

We do set high quality standards for all our generic merchandise and it is always of great concern to us when our standards are not met. We are grateful to customers who take the time to let us know when this happens.

Our Quality Control Department will address this problem you have raised with our supplier to ensure that the necessary steps are taken to prevent a similar occurance in the future.

(Mmmm. I would have loved to have been at the Acme Paper Mill when that issue was raised!)