Oct 19th, 2005. When I checked my letterbox, I found that I had received a free ticket to a show entitled 'HEAVEN' from a local church.
Very generous of them but can they carry it off?
View large

Dear Sir,

Sometime recently I found a ticket in my letterbox.

The ticket was for the forthcoming production of "HEAVEN" and was for one adult, entry through gate 7, Row CC, section S7.

Ever since I was traumatised by Hari Krishna with 'free' incense sticks I have been cautious about accepting religious gifts. If the show is a good one there will be a demand for the tickets, I warrant. Free tickets suggests that it is a production by the local glee club, lead by indomitable large breasted but very earnest ladies in floral frocks putting in their everything but somehow not quite carrying it off. However while I'm sure that with such a block buster this would not be the case, I feel that it is only fair to pay for my ticket and have included the appropriate bill of exchange.

That brings me to the show itself: Heaven is such a subjective topic, I fear the lyricist, and probably even the composer, may have had problems striking the right balance. Pleasing everyone is so hellishly difficult.

It is an ongoing fear of mine that Heaven may be dominated by the lunatic fringe; what if the apathy so prevalent on the temporal plane was to invade the celestial? The weirdos may grab power. What if the dominant faction were naked Morris dancers? Or needle-point advocates? Or Friends of Wagner? Or, God forbid, golfers? I will be most interested to see how the show's lyricist has dealt with the need to reconcile my need for the warm and tactile with the Mrs Newbery's need for lamington drives.

(Lamingtons are a type of cake, often sold door to door to raise money for schools, scouts, bowls clubs etc. - JCN.)

Finally, I was a little concerned to find another ticket to the performance on my nature strip. It was for the same seat as my first ticket.

Does this mean I may have to stand?

Yours concerned,

J. Cosmo Newbery.

REPLY: None so far.