24th July, 2004 The flyer suggested that they knew I had eaten in last night and that I, and others like me, should come to their restaurant. View large

Dear Sir,

There are many things in life that are a mystery to me: how caterpillars turn into butterflies, why people go into politics, how anyone can eat a raw oyster, the Universe, George Bush, the music of Mahler, cats generally...

...and how your little card entitled “We know what you did last night! That's right, you stayed home and ate 2-minute noodles. ” found its way onto my desk.

It must have been the cat's doing. It's never forgiven me for feeding it cat food.

The card goes on to entreat me to treat myself to a 2-course dinner and wine (glass) at the Polo Café & Bar.

There is an image forming in my head of your Polo Café and Bar filled, albeit with just one person at each table, with drably dressed neurotics wondering if anyone would notice if they sprinkled an oriental beef flavour sachet onto their risotto primavera and all the while fearing that, in their absence, the cat was plundering their stocks of 'I can't believe it's not laksa' two minute noodles.

Anyway , you were wrong.

It wasn't noodles, it was Vegemite on Saladas.*

Yours cloistered away (for everyone's good),

J Cosmo Newbery.

Vegemite - iconic Australian yeast-based spread.
Salada - brand of crackers.