28th December, 2004 And the connection between breasts and olives is...? View large

Dear Sir,

It is the Christmas holiday season and a time of year when the incautious husband, driven by the boredom of a rainy day, may find himself browsing his wife's magazines.

...may find himself looking at a Rosken Skin Health advertisement that shows a picture of two pert little breasts and another picture of two smooth and oily olives.

...may seriously damage his brain trying to figure out what on earth the connection is between the two.

I'm a man of the world, I know it can't be size. It is definitely not texture. Nor taste.

The text says that the product will restore tone and replenish moisture balance. That's all very well but olives are not noted for their water balance and I vouch those delightful little breasts have never lost their tone.

And flashing ominously in my mind at this point are images of Italian mammas, old and wrinkled after a lifetime of picking olives, black-dressed and hair severe, their breasts meeting their surgical stockings at roughly the knee line. This can't be the message you are trying to put over.

Perhaps if the olives are applied to a four-to-one gin-to-vermouth mix and this is then applied to the owner of the breasts, then the tone and water balance will look after themselves. At the very least, the applying of the body moisturiser may become a team effort.

Well, it worked for James Bond. Would it work for me?

Yours optimistically,

J Cosmo Newbery.