- The advertisement suggested that the pretzels were 97% fat free. This was a novel concept in itself but the ad also featured a delightfully oiled female tummy with a prezel in the navel. I was having problems on a number of fronts. View large

Dear Sir,

I have done a very bad thing.

I took one of the pages out of a copy of CLEO; a copy that belonged to one of the girls at work. It was the page with your advertisement on it-the one with the smooth, bronzed, taut and lightly oiled tummy bearing a pretzel in the belly button. True, I was of the opinion that rubies were the go, navelly speaking, but the picture looked so appealing that I couldn't resist.

Taking it wasn't the bad thing. The girl who owned it looked at me as if I was a bit strange-but then she always does-but kindly said that I could have it.

The bad thing was taking it home.

You see I must confess that I was going to have a go at you over the 97% fat free nonsense. I was going to suggest that you should only sell those pretzels that had no fat in them at all and leave the other 3% out of your range. I was going to point out that the word "carefree" is infact only 50% care-free; that bacon and eggs is about 50% bacon-free; that a cricket team is over 90% wicket keeper-free; and that the word "pretzel" is over 85% z-free. I was going to point out that not one of your pretzels is actually fat-free. Nor is there a definable 97% of them that is fat-free.

That's what I was going to do, I was. So I took it home.

Mrs Newbery took a different view.

Her view was to look at the smooth, bronzed, taut and lightly oiled tummy bearing a pretzel in the belly button and raise a questioning eyebrow-and a threatening fist. The drool stains and clear evidence of intemperate licking did nothing for my case at all.

When I woke up I had a fat lip.

Did you take this into your 97% fat-free calculations?

Yours lachrymose, comatose and partially adipose,

J Cosmo Newbery.

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