What would the shop steward say?

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The advertisement was for Olivio Spread had an artistically fuzzy picture of an olive grove. In the grove were some sheep and a couple of what looked like monks. The caption read "The busy production continues despite a group of visitors wandering into the Olivio factory floor". Naturally I was aghast.

Dear Sir,

I was horrified by your advertisement for Olivio Spread; the one that shows visitors on the factory floor.

From the occupational health and safety point of view do you feel that your factory will fare against AS2330, "Minimum Manning Levels for Safe Plant Operation".

Not well, I warrant.

And application of AS3101, "Non-Slip Floor Coverings (Industrial)" may cause some problems, especially if the visitors have been hitting the gorse excessively.

Ancillary issues that spring to mind are

AS1105 "Safety Headgear in Factories";
AS3011 "Ventilation and Cladding of Industrial Sites";
AS2467 "Toilet & Washing Amenities (Industrial)";
AS2887 "Automatic Firedoors";
AS1009 "Insect Control in Food Premises"; and, of course,
AS3012 "Timeclocks, Function and Location".

On the plus side, you should have no trouble with AS4141 "Safe Work Practices in Confined Spaces".

But quite frankly Sir, from the general housekeeping point of view your factory is possibly one of the worst I have seen.

You have quite some work to do if your hope to get ISO 9000 accreditation in the very near future, you know.

Yours aghast, J. Cosmo Newbery II.

They replied saying that my letter demonstrated an extensive knowledge of OH&S legislation (I have none, I think I made up all the standards) and that they welcomed my input. However the OH&S legislation does not, apparently, apply to Tuscanny.

They told me that the letter has been framed and mounted along side an Olivio advertisement on their office wall.