Mil-Lel Cheese

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A label on grated cheese announced that a new label was coming soon. How could I sleep?

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Dear Sir,

I have a nasty social problem. I read food labels.

Not a source of quality literature I admit but sometimes something catches my mind; no mean feat with something so small and slippery.

I had shredded parmesan on my list this morning and picked up a packet of your product.

Please don't worry Sir! Yes, I bought your product. It is fine. Better that fine; fine is like 'nice'-lukewarm and non-committal-it is a very good cheese. Let's not get too lyrical.

This is not a complaint letter. It is a 'What the heck are they talking about' letter.

Your packet bore a red sticker announcing "NEW LOOK PACK COMING SOON".

So? Generally I don't really care what the pack looks like. Should I?

Should I be buying up all the current stock in order to extend my supplies old labels? Should I refrain from buying until new season's model comes out? Can I contain my excitement? Is the cheese going to be tastier? Is it going to still be parmesan? How will I recognise it? Do I need to know? Why not just bring it out? You must have paid for the stickers-why?

Generally cheese is not such a source of intrigue and mystery. Unless, of course, it is processed cheese.

Did some itinerant gypsy, all scarves, rings and tambourines, flogging stickers door to door, lure you into some compromising position and then unload a wagon full of these stickers on you in a weak and vulnerable moment? It's the only reason I can think of.

Or have I missed something?

Yours agog, same body-new look mind coming soon,

J. Cosmo Newbery.

Form letter reply. “Dairy Farmers...would like to apologise for any inconvenience that this may have caused...”. Bleah!