8th Mar 2004 According to the advertisement, I could win a sexy Kitten pack if I joined the Kayser Kitten Club. Well! How could I refuse? View large

Dear Sir,

Yes! Yes! Yes!

There are some opportunities that only come along every so often and, bearing in mind that opportunity is a dare not a door, I would really like to join your Kayser Kitten Club.

Spare me your junk mail; it is the Kayser Kitten pack that has my attention.

The chance of winning a pack is just too good to pass up.

Admittedly I will have some minor issues to deal with. Mrs Newbery, for example, may not fully believe me if I say that I won the Kitten in a competition. Certainly she would not have a bar of the waitress from the Cricketer's Arms when I said that she had 'followed me home'. So it will not necessarily be easy on that front.

And feeding and bedding. Are there any dos and don'ts? Are they fussy eaters? Do they come with a full vaccination certificate? Are they loyal? Are they devoted? Will they do...uh...anything I ask of them?

Never mind, I'll make do.

What are the chances of me winning a redhead?

Yours enthusiastically,

J. Cosmo Newbery.