Be yourself for two nights!

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The ad for Holiday Inn said be yourself for two nights. Did they realize what they were saying?

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Dear Sir,

You are a very brave man.

Verging on the foolhardy, I suggest, but brave none the less.

In yesterday's Age there was an advertisement encouraging the reader, in this case me, to "Be yourself for two nights, Be our guest for the second."

Have you ever seen one of those Western movies where the bad guy rides into town and all the people disappear, shutters are closed, blinds are pulled, cats slink under verandahs, the dogs yelp off, tails down into the distance and the odd tumble weed rolls across an otherwise deserted street?

It's what Spencer Street used to look like before the casino came, right?

And have you ever seen one of those movies where the hero (or more probably, and unjustly I might add, the anti-hero) starts acting a little strange as the moon enters its peak; muscles bulge, shirts tear, body hair develops a lustre that Pantene would kill for and the desire to lope becomes irresistible?

Combine the two.

Last time I was myself for two nights, I was the guest of a research clinic for the second.

Strapped to an inordinately cold metal table with large copper bands around my head and wires connected to all sorts of callously shaved bodily points, I was periodically connected to the South Eastern power grid.

Much of the bad press received by the privatised power companies can be linked directly back to the electrical flux that these therapies caused: globes burst, kidney machines tripped onto the rinse cycle, pop-up toasters didn't, self cleaning ovens never did, five people were consumed by their own leaf-mulchers, over a thousand microwave ovens entered a distressed state and emitted a burst of radio energy that scientists estimated to be a call for help and to be heading to somewhere in the Andromeda Galaxy (at 2 million light years away I would advise you to prepare for a serious invasion in the year 4,002,000 or there abouts.), and in one (sadly undocumented) case a Windows computer ran for a full day without crashing.

Strange things indeed.

And you offer to let me be myself?

In your hotel?

I am most impressed.

I would suggest that you have a heart-to-heart with your insurance company before proceeding into uncharted and indeed, most treacherous waters. They will almost certainly wish to look at the advantages of reinsuring and risk averaging. Don't use GIO, it would be that last straw.

By the way, do your rooms come with a complementary goat or two?

Untethered, I like a chase.

Yours lupinely,

J Cosmo Newbery

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