The advertisement showed a very pale skinned lady and claimed Ella BachŽ has found the answer to an age old problem. But never said what the problem was.

Dear Sir,

I am confused.

"After eight years Ella BachŽ has found the answer to an age old problem" said the advertisement.

But it never said what the problem was...

...nor, for that matter, did it say what the answer was.

Some age old problems presented themselves to my fevered mind but none of them really seemed to fit the ambience created by the limpid lady with the pale blue eyes and vanishing nose. For example:

* Socks are high up my hierarchy of age old problems. How is it that you can put three pairs of matched brown socks into the washing machine and get back five socks, all different shades of brown? Certainly a puzzle but hard to see it as the basis for your advertisement.

* What to give Granny for Christmas is another of those age old problems. She has more Camay than she will ever need and she never used the skate board we gave her last year.

* Then there is the old problem of the toast and the marmalade cat. If toast and marmalade always fall marmalade side down and a dropped cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you tie a piece of toast and marmalade on to the back of a cat and drop it?

* There are also the deep and philosophical bits about lights in refrigerators, trees in forests and Gods in quads. All deserving of a considered answer but somehow out of sorts with your advertisement.

* One school of thought puts the answer to life, the universe and everything as '42'. A long hard look at the lady in your picture suggests that there are very few questions that may be asked about her that can be answered with a '42'.

* The chicken, the egg and evolutionary timetables? I already know the answer to that one. Ova and out.

* The current exchange rate offered by the Tooth Fairy for a front tooth? Got to get that right, the little blighters exchange notes. Over pay or under pay, either way you are in deep trouble.

All these are age-old problems but do not seem to progress me far. Certainly it is hard to see why you would pay squillions to put an ad in the paper just to announce the fate of a piece of toast and marmalade if dropped in a sock by a chicken in your granny's fridge with the door shut.

Perhaps there is a hint...

The bottom of the advertisement said "Ella BachŽ's new Radical Rides Integral Vitality Serum". I'm sure that there is a hint here to we searchers of truth and understanding but what the heck is it? It has an amazing air of Luna Park, health foods, and medicine.

Perhaps the age old problem has something to do with what to drink prior to a stomach emptying circuit on the Mad Mouse?

Something with bits of carrot.

No? Okay, I give up.

So, what is the problem? And what is the answer?

Yours in disarray, J. Cosmo Newbery II

They replied:

Dear Cosmo

Your letter regarding Ella Bache's advertisiong arrived like any other but, once opened, was instantly elevated to dizzying new heights. Thank you Cosmo, for lifting the calibre of our correspondence. We receive many letters, but none as special as yours!

Shelly Roden-Smith

Included with their letter was an article on Murphy' Laws and Cat physics