Cut!

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The advertisement showed a picture of a young boy with a bandaged knee and said 'By the time Dennis is 12 years old he will have had 1028 cuts, 914 abrasions, 12 burns and 235 lacerations. Hansaplast has a solution for every wound.' Spare a thought for the parents.


Dear Sir,

Last Sunday was Fathers Day. As is my paternal right, I got to lie in bed and be feted and fed by my adoring little tribe; fruits of my loins, hopes of my dotage.

The trouble is, what does one do while sitting in bed on a Sunday morning? Just between you and me, it is not my natural habitat; I tend to itch to get up and do something. Consequently I took to reading some of Mrs Newbery's magazines. Not quality stuff but if you are interested in 20 instant tricks to improve your laundry, or what the sex therapist revealed about the stars bedroom secrets, or 101 things to do with oatbran, then they fill a niche.

In this manner I came across your advertisement for Hansaplast and the exploits of young Dennis.

He is apparently the original little Aussie bleeder.

Ignore the 12 burns and take the broad view that cuts, abrasions and lacerations are more or less the same sort thing, and also assume that for the first year he wasn't particularly mobile. With these as your guidelines it is but a quick to and fro on the abacus to show that poor Dennis accumulated some 2,177 wounds in approximately 4,015 days. Good going by any measure.

This lad is obviously a cut above the rest.

For his poor parents sake, do you think there may be a good case for some sort of general sedative?

Or perhaps take the next step, beyond the basic dressing stage.

Considering the long-term patronage given to your company by young Dennis' parents I feel the least that you can do is provide them with the where-with-all to put the little bleeder in a body cast for a week and send them off on a holiday.

Perhaps sailing around the islands on a cutter.

Yours anaemically,

J Cosmo Newbery



They replied: I am glad we gave a few humorous moments.