14th Mar 2004 The advertisement said 'It's dead fast', I wanted something a bit more lingering...

A bit of explanation: a thong in Australian parlance is a sort of rubber sandal and Kahmahl is a Sri Lankan singer and a local icon.

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Dear Sir,

I read with some concern your advertisement for Mortein Nest Kill, the cockroach killer.

'It's dead fast', said the ad.

Further, it 'Now kills 30% faster', although it is less than forthcoming as to what it is 30% faster than. My experience is that a thong is hard to beat, speed-wise.

Extensive study has developed the Thong-Song scale of cockroach discomfort where a thong is a '10' and a ballad by Kahmahl is a '0'. Admittedly neither affect the eggs, hence that well known adage 'The thong is finished but the malady lingers on.'.

But, quite frankly, 30% is nothing to get terribly excited about. Three minutes...two minutes...really it is small bickies.

What I want to know is how much pain do they suffer?

And where do they go once they get their comeuppance? Do they go to some roach hell where they are perpetually tormented by curious cats and small boys with magnifying glasses or do they go to some vinyl heaven, knee deep in kitchen dross?

I have no desire for them to be speeded on their way to that!

Let them suffer a bit.

Yours cruel but fair,

J. Cosmo Newbery.