Getting in a lather over soap fragrance.

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The advertisement was for Cold Power washing powder. It said that it had the fragrance to make you want to take your clothes off. And wash them. But was a bit hazy on who, when and where.

Dear Sir,

I was most taken with your advertisement in this months Women's Weekly.

"A new fragrance that makes you want to take your clothes off. And wash them."

Wacko! Immediately I got a trolley with a few token groceries and started loitering near the laundry products at Safeway Ashwood. This was going to be a great afternoon!

Alas, it was not a fast afternoon in aisle 8.

Of all the women that came along, none looked remotely like the lady in your advertisement.

Friday must be pension day or something. They had a mean age of 75 years, an average weight of 80kg compounded by a height of five foot nothing or less and, if ironed out flat, a mean surface area of about 25 square metres. They all carried an umbrella, regardless of the weather.

Thankfully none of them took their clothes off.

Broken hearted I caught a 602 bus home. On the bus a little old lady (75yr, 80kg, 5'0", 25m2) sat down beside me and, like little old ladies often do, started to talk. Well, the long and the short of it is that she offered me a sniff of the fragrance of a new detergent that she had bought...

The police were very good about it, really.

I don't recall exactly what happened, everything went sort of blurry and the next thing I remember was 'waking up' in a divvy van with a blanket around me. I'm told the cuts on my head were caused by an umbrella but I have no recollection of it.

The provisional date for my hearing is August 2nd.

Do you mind if I call you for the defence?

Yours in disappointment,

J. Cosmo Newbery.

"We appreciate your taking the time to contact us".