The ad was for condoms and was in a Inside Sport magazine. What sport? I wondered.
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Dear Sir,

I was most intrigued to find one of your advertisements in Inside Sport.

It was the one showing the (curiously hairless) bum in a sea of balls. I must assume that it is a man's bum, if it is not then condoms would be somewhat at a loose end.

Sadly Mrs Newbery was also intrigued by the advertisement, but from a different angle: she wanted to know how I found it at all as this was not one of the magazines she had given me leave to read. The jury, and I fear executioner, is out on that one.

Anyway, the real reason I am writing relates to the location of the advertisement rather than the location of the magazine or, for that matter, to ownership of the curiously hairless bum.

I must admit that I had never considered the merry pursuit of the two-backed beast to be a sport.

Certainly not a team sport.

Mixed doubles certainly have a part to play in the field of condom usage but not normally against another couple, like hand-ball or beach quoits. And how would you score such a sport? Extra points for degrees of difficulty? Would premature ejaculation be viewed as an own-goal? Does size matter? If you pike, do you gain or lose points? Are you penalised for handling the ball?

No, I considered it more of a competition; like something run by Woman's Weekly.

Neatest, correct entry wins.

So, is it a sport? And, if so, do they need umpires?

Yours playing off a formidable handicap,

J Cosmo Newbery

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